[Jack/Daniel/Sam for malnpudl. PG-13 for sometimes they have sex. 631 words, set post-S8. No S9 spoilers.]
The Inverted Logic of Ritual
Jack has a theory, which he keeps to himself (there are enough theorists in this relationship) that there's an inverse relationship between the complexity of relationships and the rituals that celebrate them. He's deeply ashamed of himself for coming up with this theory, which sounds like something Daniel would say in one of his mission reports, and he's beginning to think that all Daniel's stupid cultural anthropology bullshit has somehow rubbed off on him.
It remains true, however, that when he married Sara, he rented a tux, invited every known family member from three continents, had a bachelor party with his Air Force buddies that he mercifully doesn't remember, spent more money than he had on a wedding reception, and tipped the priest a hundred for not screwing up the ceremony. His most vivid memory of the ceremony is Sara's wedding gown, which cost a pretty thousand dollars and was full of enough lace and starch to stand up without Sara inside it.
When he married Carter and Daniel, they did it like this:
First they proposed; Jack on his knees to Carter, Carter on her knees to Daniel, and it looked like an elaborate sexual pose, but they weren't naked and they were stammering. Then Carter said yes and Daniel said yes, and Daniel looked through his records and found a planet where the locals practice polygamy.
"Polyandry," Daniel insisted (daily, from the time he found the planet till their wedding day). "Sam's a woman. We're men. One woman. More than one man."
"I did actually master human anatomy in high school, Daniel."
"And you still don't know how to find the G-spot."
Jack raised an eyebrow at Carter's remark. "Really? Do you need another demonstration?"
"Not now!" Daniel said. "I'm trying to figure out whether we'll need to bring any special ritual objects -- mementos of past wives, that kind of thing."
"No," said Jack.
"I'm marrying you," he said. "I'm not unmarrying Sara."
They would have invited all their closest relatives, but all of them were dead, so they invited Teal'c and Hammond, who raised an eyebrow apiece but agreed to witness their folly. Jack thought Teal'c of all people would understand the warrior bond, but Teal'c explained to him that the confusing part was the wedding. "Why is it necessary to perform a ceremony? Are you not already committed to each other?"
Jack couldn't explain it, but he knew it was necessary that they have a wedding. It had been a long time since Sara, a lifetime, but some things he knew were true: people fell in love, people got married, and the two events were usually connected.
Also, you got cake at weddings.
They got married in the middle of a rainstorm. Carter held hands with both of them and looked more beautiful than ever as she placed their palms together. She bowed her head, and closed her eyes, and they were married.
It is a far more complicated marriage than his first one. There are three-way fights over who has to wash the dishes (he usually ends up losing), and they've had to have their bed specially ordered. Once a week, someone takes a turn on the couch, and the other two make love. Once a month, Sam sits them down and makes them renegotiate everything. (Last month, she made him start calling her "Sam" at home. He agreed on the condition that she stop calling him sir, except in the field. And in bed. Sometimes.) Once a year, should they live so long and not get divorced, they'll celebrate their anniversary on the polygamous planet.
"I know what you're thinking," calls Daniel from the next room, where he's looking at some artifacts with Sam. "And it's polyandrous.
[Wilson/Julie's wedding, with House/Wilson
A Toast To The Happy
A toast, to the bride and groom. May she give better blowjobs than I do, and keep Jimmy out of trouble longer than I was able to.
Everyone, raise your glasses -- good, good. Now put them down again, because you're all here to toast James Wilson, talented doctor, handsome groom, faithful husband. There's no such man. You probably all know there's no such man, except maybe Julie's friends -- hi -- but you're here to celebrate anyhow. Hey, who could blame you? There's free cake, free wine, and if the marriage ends before six months are out, they might return the wedding gifts and you'll get your money back. All in all, not a bad bargain.
Except I want to be very clear that we're celebrating the marriage between a very, very attractive young woman and an attractive man who has managed to be unfaithful to more girlfriends than I've even had.
I'm supposed to talk about the bride and groom, but frankly, I don't know a lot about Julie. Oh, Wilson talks about her all the time -- great ass, nice boobs, good at -- but you don't want to hear about that. So I'm going to talk about James Wilson.
He's a good doctor. Dr. Cuddy can testify to that. And he's a smart doctor. You should see how many of his cases he manages to foist off on me. But he's a very stupid man. He's a man who would spend three weekends in a row -- when he could have been out having that fantastic sex I hear so much about -- with a friend who should be dead. He's the kind of man who has been known to help a friend steal painkillers, the kind of friend who makes painkillers unnecessary. Wilson is stupid enough to have been my best friend since we met, and kind enough not to tell me I'm a charity case. He's so stupid, in fact, that he doesn't know that I'm in--
And another draft is balled up and thrown in the wastebasket.
I'm sorry (sort of), but I can't make it to your wedding. Something unavoidable has come up. I'll make sure to send you a really nice toaster.