This is rated NC-17, and if you don't feel comfortable thinking about the characters you list sexually (and possibly with each other), you've no one to blame but yourself. My list. No cheating! Blank question list is below my answers, behind the cut.
1. Sam Seaborn
2. Sam Carter
3. Sam Gamgee
4. Mallory Pike
5. Malcolm Reynolds
6. Dawn Schafer
7. Dawn Summers
8. CJ Cregg
9. Simon Tam
10. River Tam
11. Rupert Giles
12. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Does River strike you as a voyeur or an exhibitionist?
A voyeur, definitely. It's just, quite frankly, how she's wired. And it's also, um, kind of with the canonical. See, also, "Objects in Space."
Who in all the multiverse would Giles most likely bottom to?
I'm going with Buffy here, and not just because in all other scenarios I perv on toppy!Giles. I think Buffy is the only person who can threaten Giles's alpha-ness without threatening him. I suppose by extension, the rest of the Scoobies... Giles feels safe enough in his authority with them to allow them to top him? And I've read some Willow/Giles fic with Willow on top (metaphorically) that totally hits my kinks hard, but I can most easily envision him letting Buffy take that role, possibly because I can most see Buffy needing to be in that role vis a vis Giles. And I realize that despite thinking of the fact that I recently wrote Buffy/Giles fic that I thought of while answering this question, I've also written him bottoming to McGonagall and Willow
Would you rather do Sam Gamgee or Mal Reynolds?
I have no idea why I put these two men in my list. For some reason I can't drive the image of movie!Sam out of my head, so I'm voting Mal on account of So Damn Pretty, but neither of them is high on my list.
Which of Mallory Pike and Sam Seaborn would you rather have do you?
Aww, but they're both so ickle and uke-y! Still, I'm voting Sam, in no small part because I'm regretting putting not one but two baby-sitters on the list.
Wesley + Sam Carter are having sex in an airplane. Construct a snippet of dialogue that happens during this encounter.
I swear to god I did not rig the meme. Anyhow:
Sam: So, you've never done this before, huh?
Wesley: Not, er, in quite this...
Sam: I did mean on an airplane. I assum -- oh! Yes, I know you can usually... perform.
Wesley: Ah. So long as we're clear on that. No, never at, er, this altitude.
How much would you pay to see naked pictures of Rupert Giles? Have you? Where can the rest of us find these pictures?
Err, not as much as I'd pay for nekkid pictures of CJ, at the moment. And yes, I have -- trkkr47 makes manips.
Where are Mal Reynolds and Simon Tam most likely to have sex? Who on your flist is most likely to write it?
Quite likely on Serenity. Probably in Mal's quarters. Or, if everyone else is dead, just about any damn place in the ship. I think some of my flisters might actually write this, but I'm not sure who.
When Wesley masturbates, s/he thinks about...
In Tokens Exchanged on the Road to Enlightenment, I made a list:
Things Wesley has jerked off to, both in private and with Lilah watching:
-photographs of Lilah (also infinite, mostly with her watching)
-photographs of Lilah with other men (only twice)
-photographs of Fred with Gunn (only once, and unsuccessfully, at Lilah's suggestion)
-memories of Angel drinking from his arm (on rare occasions, and always guiltily)
-fantasies of Fred (infinite, always guilty)
-a certain detailed description in the Watcher's Manual of the process of turning a human into a vampire (quite often in his Academy days, less frequent but just as fervent now)
What is Giles's favorite sex toy?
Assuming the Buffybot doesn't count? And also none of the Scoobies count? I have difficulty seeing luddite!Giles using anything fancier than like, handcuffs (which are canon).
Come up with a title for a Wesley/Dawn Summers/Sam Seaborn threeway. Would you read it? Would you write it? What would some of the warnings be?
"Summer of the Bicoastal Intern." Yes. Yes. "het, boyslash, age differential, power differential, infidelity, incredible incredible hotness."
Who's more likely to be tied up during (consensual) sex, Sam Carter or Dawn Schafer?
Sam Carter, and only because I'm still having difficulty imagining my baby-sitters doing the sex thing. Also because Dawn would probably have a long lecture about how bondage is disempowering and Sunny would be all, "Screw that. I'm doing Ducky. He doesn't mind being tied up." And Dawn would be all, "Fine, then I'm calling Mary Anne." "Does she like to be tied up?" "As a matter of fact, she does."
Meanwhile, I've written Sam tied up fic.
If Rupert Giles and Sam Gamgee are carrying on a torrid and forbidden love affair, who's most likely to spill the beans? What would the other person do to retaliate?
Sam is more likely to spill the beans. I imagine in retaliation Giles would promptly dump his ass and start sleeping with someone less obviously in love with someone else.
As a birthday present, Dawn Summers's longtime lover Mal Reynolds offers to do whatever Dawn wants in bed. What's Dawn's secret birthday wish?
Heeee. This is like Buffy/Mal, only ickler! I imagine Dawn's sekrit birthday wish is for a girl to join them in bed. I'm torn over whether it'd be Kaylee or Inara, though
Choose a food item for Mallory Pike & Wesley to use together.
Cookie dough. Because for some godforsaken reason, Wesley shows up in the Pike kitchen on a hot tip from Cordelia about a demonic fire, but it turned out to have been a false alarm from the triplets fooling around with the smoke detector, and then Wesley rolls up his sleeves and figures he might as well help with the cookie baking, which he does, and then Mal pops a spoonful into his mouth, and they're standing very close, and Wesley whips off his glasses and says, "You know, I..."
"I've never actually kissed anyone."
"That's all right. I've never baked cookies before."
Mal Pike + CJ Cregg are in a fulltime D/s relationship. Who's the top?
Do you need to ask? One of these women is toppy like a toppy thing at least in my imagination. The other, not so much.
Which fetish is Simon Tam least likely to indulge?
I'm going out on a limb and saying incest.
What would you do if you had CJ Cregg naked, willing, and ready in your bed? What would Mal Reynolds do if s/he had CJ Cregg naked, willing and able in his/her bed?
I swear to God I did not rig this meme! But, um, the thoughts, "Die," and then, "Come back to life," and then "snog liek WHOA" spring to mind. And also comfort, and kiss, and stroke and love and adore and make her happy for even just a moment? *dies*
If Mal had CJ naked in his bed, I think step one would be to determine whether she really wanted to be there, and if he decided that yes, this was indeed the luckiest day of his life, there'd be respectful, tender fucking. If only because ain't no one hurts CJ. NO ONE. It is not allowed.
What wouldn't River Tam + Mallory Pike tell their friends about their sex life, assuming they had both a mutual sex life and some friends?
A) They wouldn't tell anyone on Serenity that their sex life went beyond platonic cuddling, and even though this was obviously not the case, Simon would let the lie slide rather than think of... the things they might do together. And Jayne would speculate anyhow, and Kaylee would give them knowing winks, and Inara would counsel them on safer sex, and Mal would studiously look the other way.
B) In Sunnydale, Mallory would *not* tell her friends about the kinky mindgames River played. And she most definitely wouldn't tell them that she liked it.
River gets a tattoo to declare his/her eternal love for Simon. Where is it? What does it say?
It's hidden away (ankle? back?) and says (in Mandarin?) "Darling, I have kept for you the old delights and the new," (Song of Songs 7:13, followed immediately by 8:1 [not tattooed] "I wish that you were my brother.")
Imagine that Sam Carter writes erotic Giles/Dawn fic. What sort of summary might the fic she/he writes have?
Errr! I imagine it would be marked, "Sensitive and very boring scientific experiments, sir, and certainly not pornographic in any way, and would have a summary like, "Giles and Dawn are in the midst of torrid and tragical lovemaking in the wake of Buffy's death when they get sidetracked by the the theoretical implications of the portal through which Buffy fell and devote the summer to research instead."
If Sam Carter walked into the room wearing nothing but a red thong and a feather boa, how would CJ Cregg react?
Full-on snoggage, oh yes. Followed by shagging, cuddling, more shagging... I swear I didn't stack the meme!
And the obligatory fill in the blanks erotic fairy tale:
Simon and Sam Seaborn are having a quickie in a broom closet when CJ walks in on them. Naturally enough, CJ joins in, first paging Sam Gamgee, who's in the middle of fucking Mal Reynolds into the mattress. Sam abandons Mal on the verge of orgasm, excited by the possibility of illicit broom closet sex, and Mal, irate, becomes a highly paid prostitute until the well-meaning and generous Mallory Pike attempts to rescue Mal Reynolds. But Mal(R) will have none of it, refuses to be redeemed, and opens a high-class brothel in Los Angeles, where River is one of his/her regular clients.
a) The story you've just written is closest to the canon of which 'verse? b) What would you entitle this story? c) who's most out of character? d) who's most in character? e) who on your flist is probably writing this right now?
This is closest to the canon of Firefly, except that we've got Mal as the Companion rather than Inara. I would call this story, "Mal's Descent Into Darkness." Most out of character is Sam Gamgee, who's apparently topping someone in this scenario. Most in character is Sam Seaborn, who is totally having broom-closet quickies with other prim and proper young men. If anyone on the flist is writing this, please, point the way!
Does 10 strike you as a voyeur or an exhibitionist?
Who in all the multiverse would 11 most likely bottom to?
Would you rather do 3 or 5?
Which of 4 and 1 would you rather have do you?
12 + 2 are having sex in an airplane. Construct a snippet of dialogue that happens during this encounter.
How much would you pay to see naked pictures of 11? Have you? Where can the rest of us find these pictures?
Where are 5 and 9 most likely to have sex? Who on your flist is most likely to write it?
When 12 masturbates, s/he thinks about...
What is 11's favorite sex toy?
Come up with a title for a 12/7/1 threeway. Would you read it? Would you write it? What would some of the warnings be?
Who's more likely to be tied up during (consensual) sex, 2 or 6?
If 11 and 3 are carrying on a torrid and forbidden love affair, who's most likely to spill the beans? What would the other person do to retaliate?
As a birthday present, 7's longtime lover 5 offers to do whatever 7 wants in bed. What's 7's secret birthday wish?
Choose a food item for 4 & 12 to use together.
8 + 4 are in a fulltime D/s relationship. Who's the top?
Which fetish is 9 least likely to indulge?
What would you do if you had 8 naked, willing, and ready in your bed? What would 5 do if s/he had 8 naked, willing and able in his/her bed?
What wouldn't 10 + 4 tell their friends about their sex life, assuming they had both a mutual sex life and some friends?
10 gets a tattoo to declare his/her eternal love for 9. Where is it? What does it say?
Imagine that 2 writes erotic 11/6 fic. What sort of summary might the fic he/she writes have?
If 2 walked into the room wearing nothing but a red thong and a feather boa, how would 8 react?
And the obligatory fill in the blanks erotic fairy tale:
9 and 1 are having a quickie in a broom closet when 8 walks in on them. Naturally enough, 8 joins in, first paging 3, who's in the middle of fucking 5 into the mattress. 3 abandons 5 on the verge of orgasm, excited by the possibility of illicit broom closet sex, and 5, irate, becomes a highly paid prostitute until the well-meaning and generous 4 attempts to rescue 5. But 5 will have none of it, refuses to be redeemed, and opens a high-class brothel in Los Angeles, where 10 is one of his/her regular clients.
a) The story you've just written is closest to the canon of which 'verse? b) What would you entitle this story? c) who's most out of character? d) who on your flist would read it? e) who on your flist is probably writing this right now?